Anger — again

I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?

*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!

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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.

Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

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Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

My job

There are many days when I love my job.  I do.  I may vent that they are getting on my case that my numbers are low or not as high as they normally are but then again I am also second in command so I have to help G answer questions as the night goes on, enter my runs and correct QC (quality control) for the newbies and the random QC I have to do for the others.  Oh, and take incoming phone calls. No pressure.  (smirk)

Any way — there are really interesting days.  My job is different.  I don’t know of anyone who does ambulance medical billing.  Basically, you call 911 and there is a good chance I could get it at work.  We do over 200 towns in 6 states.  I also help with the new towns and work out kinks and pass them on to others.

Then there are the nights were I am in tears because a parent thought it was a good thing to co-sleep with a child and while asleep, rolled over on top of said infant.  Parents wakes up.  Realizes what happened.  Calls 911 and I see “officer running out of house with limp infant in arms.  Blue around lips, no pulse.”  I cry.  So I really just want to scream when I read on the forums about aparents who think it such a great idea to do this as they seem to think this is a way to bond.  gag.  double gag.

Then there are the nights when I see alot of  Supergirl’s name.  A good number of nights I can deal and it won’t be a problem but she has a common name. There is nothing special about her name.  It is always there.  Tonight it jolted me.

Then the nights were I get a minor who is pregnant and is in labor.  And come to find out this isn’t the first.

I think the worst part of the job is that when I watch the news, and my coworkers do this as well, we see where the accident or incident happened to see if we are getting the run at work.  Gives new meaning to watching the television now.

Then listing to the stupid morons talk about nothing that they know about but want to sound important when they sound like the idiots they are and give us a reason to laugh.

I really like weekends.

I really like holidays.

Overwhelmed

I feel like hiding out.

I feel like I am falling.

It has been a wild week.  Biker boys’ (new name for ex B) sister had a baby.  I know of 2 people in real life who are pregnant.  They are due 1 week apart in January.

I cannot deal with all of the support they have around them.

I hate the support that they have around them.

I cannot stand the support that they have around them.

I hate looking down the road and seeing Supergirl as the only child that I will ever have and I didn’t raise her.

I hate it.

I really, really hate it.

The smile is off.

The smile is gone.

It doesn’t need to come back.

2 weeks to go

There is now less than 2 weeks to go until Supergirl is 4.

 

I cannot wait to get out of town.  I am planning it now.  I am going to be going up the coast of Maine and stay in different parts of the state.  I plan on going to a favorite candle store.  They are along the lines of Yankee Candle but I like them just alittle bit more: www.villagecandle.com

I have all of her presents.  I have the box to mail them in.  I have started to wrap them up.  They will be mailed this week.  Why keep them in the apartment? Why keep them around?

 

Am I such a threat that they don’t want me in her life?

Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?

3 weeks

It is now 3 weeks and counting.

NOTHING

I am about to just wrap and send her presents out.

Why keep them around?

Why keep them in a box taking up space on my floor?

This is really starting to bite it big time.

Started to take the antidepressants again.

Really, really bad month coming up.  Everything dealing with adoption happens next month.

Supergirls birth.

Leaving the hospital.

Signing the TPR.

Meeting L&B.

Grandfather passing away.

First visit right before her 1st birthday.

B’s birthday (there is a headache I don’t want)

Anger

I am angry.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know how to stop it.

It has been going on for a week and not even a great shopping experience last weekend helped.  I mean almost everything I bought was on sale.

This weekend:

I tried to scrapbook.  I don’t like the way the layouts came out.

I tried to read.  Couldn’t concentrate.

I tried to watch movies and just kept breaking down.

So I ended up having a few drinks and fell asleep listening to Evanescence and Finger 11.

Did it help?

not really

Friends

I admit it.  I was a Friends junkie.  I knew the stories.  I knew the characters.  I was happy when Rachel and Ross got together and yelled at the tv when Ross ruined it.  I cried when Phoebe got married.  I was happy when Monica and Chandler started their relationship and finally got it out in the open and married.

Then it was over.  So I went and signed up for Netflix and added “Friends” to the list.  I forgot some of it.  Selective memory loss? Maybe.  I forgot the episode when Rachel was in the hospital with the mix up with the ring.

Why did I forget?  I was admitted to the hospital that night.  2 days later Supergirl would make her appearance known to all.

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Then there was Season 10.  The final season.  Monica and Chandler going through the adoption process.  I don’t remember most of this season.  When I watched it recently I yelled at the tv because of the way that they decided to play Erica, the birth mom.  She was played as the truelly dumb blonde.  To to it off.  Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, there is the stereo type that she didn’t know who the dad was.  She didn’t know that she was carrying twins.  She left the screen and that was it and they (Monica/Chandler) were able to take the babies home on the same day.  What I wonder now is: where were the car seats?

I don’t like Friends so much anymore.