It continues

I just seem to go on and some days it appears to be harder and harder to write.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I continue to hope that things will change with BF and it doesn’t.  I have tried to get things to change and it doesn’t.

I just continue to be a thorn in their side and continue to send her things and keep myself in her life.  I will be able to say to her that I tried.  I continued to try and was blocked in every way possible.

 

I can only continue and be myself.

Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Supergirl

My girl is now 6!!!

I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe that I continue to be on the sidelines and wonder just where I place in her life.

I know I went overboard with her birthday presents.  I think I spent the same amount on her birthday as I do for Christmas.  I usually don’t do that.  I still have to mail everything so we will see if anything gets returned but I need to get everything spread out and look at it all and maybe some of it will go into the Christmas pile and I will have started her Christmas presents.

Here is the thing:

I am all ready working on her Christmas present.

I need to get started on her kindergarten graduation present.

I found a project for her next birthday.

All 3 of the above are things that involve, knitting, counted cross stitch and another no sew blanket (probably with a pillow or two)

❤ you my beautiful, sassy, intelligent girl.  You are so loved and missed and remembered.

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

Rose colored glasses

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and live my life with rose colored glasses.

You know the ones.  The ones where no-one gets hurt.  Noone is in pain.  Those glasses.

I know now adays I don’t.  I was out to lunch today with Grams, nothing different about the Sunday routine, with the exception of the Sox and the Pats playing and winning in the background.  While we were being brought to our table we were able to glance in the function room and see that Newburyport High School c/o 1954 was having their 55th high school reunion.  The function room was in the back of the restaurant so that if you were going to the reunion you had to walk through the restaurant.

While everyone was walking by I wasn’t thinking:

What would it be like to meet up with friends after 50 years and see how everyone is doing?

Nope, mine was: I wonder if there are any first moms going to that reunion and if they are will they or have they told others?  And if there are any first mothers there are they in reunion with their grown child? Was it a good reunion? bad? neither?

Why am I thinking these thoughts?

My 20th high school reunion is coming up next month. Here is the thing, the is the high school that I went to my senior year only.  I didn’t make that many friends because 1) I was military 2) I was also engaged.  Plus I started about 6 weeks in during the senior year.  I spent my freshman to junior year at one high school and had to move after senior year started.

So while I decide if I wish to go, and I must make up my mind soon, I then know I will be hit with the questions that I don’t know how to answer.

Do I tell these people who didn’t want to be my friend then that I have a beautiful, smart, and funny daughter?  Do I tell them while I do have a daughter I placed her for adoption and am now regretting my decision everyday because I don’t like how the aparents were able to lie and win me over and then do a 180?

Do I do what I do and not anwer and quickly ask another question?

I need some help with this.

Photos

I see my daughters life in photographs now.

I don’t see her life with her.  I see images of her and her life.

I see her smile but I don’t hear the laughter that comes from that smile.

I don’t see her singing.

I don’t see her.

 

All because “her Mother” cannot handle things.

Why is it necessary for one person to lie to make themselves feel better? to feel superior? to see the other person weakened?

Phone calls and pictures

I got more pictures in the mail the other day.  I wish there was more.  I wish there were a hell of a lot more.

I had plans on making a call to L today.  Well, it being summer in New England and the sun is out, the humidity is up and I know from the past that they are at the beach.  However, that maybe changing since clouds are rolling in and there is a weather alert.

So I was thinking about calling tomorrow or even Friday since it will be cooler and there will be no humidity.

Now if only I will have the guts to do a true mediation instead of this phone crap.

 

* there will be no phone call this week.  E was going to try and get together with L this week but they are out of town.

I hate this date.

Today is the 28th.

On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!

Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.

*edited to add

How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on?  Is it a coping strategy for me?

I remember it was a Friday.  Which means the phone call was on the 25th.  Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before.  I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.

How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?

How????

10 things part 3

I cannot believe that I am writing another one.

1. You are close to 59 years old!!!  and yet you use a third person, your son, to get something from your ex wife?!?!?!!?  Somehow I am not surprised by this but the fact that you used your son to do this is a new low, even for you.
2. You talk to me when I am going thru this ordeal and your comment on it.  ” I want to give you what you want.”  You want me to have a child for you.  You want me to be a single parent in the hopes that you will be able to give us money, when you can.
3. You tell me that, basically, you want to put a blanket over the whole situation and tell Supergirl, years down the road and tell her: “Here is your sibling”
4. Once you tell me this, and may I add, that I was not able to sleep.  That I was at a point a few years ago, that if you had brought this up then, I would have said yes.
5. I have decided on a date to call.  I feel like shit that I have to do this.  I hate, with a passion, that she cannot be a human being and make the call herself.

Ok, I feel better.  Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.

Anger and the other feelings

Supergirl graduated from preK last month.  When, I don’t know.  I just know it was last month.  I sent a card.  It was probably late since I have been dealing with the feelings of losing Nana and the bad news that keep coming at me.  A dear friend informed me that his father has liver cancer and was given a 15% chance of 6+ months with chemo or 15% for 6 months without.  He is going without chemo.  He asked his ex, my other dear friend, to stop by and see him.  She will as she has a patient in that area.  Then another woman that my friend C and I know has finally called hospice.  We knew this day would happen.  All in the course of 8 hours.

Anyway……………………………

I am angry.  I am angry that it has been over 14 months since I last saw Supergirl.

Last heard her laugh.

Last saw her smile.

Last heard her voice.

I am angry and it is making me depressed.