It continues

I just seem to go on and some days it appears to be harder and harder to write.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I continue to hope that things will change with BF and it doesn’t.  I have tried to get things to change and it doesn’t.

I just continue to be a thorn in their side and continue to send her things and keep myself in her life.  I will be able to say to her that I tried.  I continued to try and was blocked in every way possible.

 

I can only continue and be myself.

A day in the sun

I have thought about writing.  I have thought of  closing the blog.  why?  I don’t seem to say anything.  I tend to observe and take everything in.  I dislike confrontation and will run and hide from it.  My nature, my upbringing and something E has worked on with me for a while.

 

I miss E.  I haven’t been in to a session with her in ……… I cannot remember when.  We have touched base by phone and she has suggested that I find a new therapist.  Really?!?!  She doesn’t have weekend hours anymore and trying to make it into Boston from the North Shore by train (got to park the car, well, first you have to find a lot that has a parking spot).  She has suggested Thursdays but with my work schedule (work nights) that makes for a very long and draining day to begin with that trying to go into work is another issue all together. 

I have been dragging my feet on that.  I like E, I am comfortable with her.  She knows when I am talking bullshit and when I just need to vent and get everything off of my chest.  I took grief from people because 1)she is an adoptive parent and 2)she worked for the agency.  But I was comfortable.

Anyway ~~~~

The visit with Supergirl was AWESOME 🙂  It was short but you know what — I didn’t care.  I was with my girl.  She was with me.  The only down spot.  She asked about Biker Boy.  She wants a picture, a recent one.  So I asked him for one.  He has ignored me.  The kicker: I came across some photos of his son, probably when he was about 3 years old.  I sent him a message asking him what he wanted me to do with them  He has ignored me.  I will tell Jessica this when she is older.  I did tell Amom that I requested a photo from Biker and that he ignored me.

Oh well his loss.

 

Now time to enjoy this little shiny thing in the sky 🙂

Same oh, same oh

There hasn’t been much activity going on so there hasn’t been anything to write about.  Sorry.

 

I sent an email asking for sizes and ideas for the soon to come Supergirl’s birthday.  The response: send a giftcard she doesn’t know what she wants.  Somehow I don’t think so.  Somehow I have a feeling that she knows what she wants — I just don’t get to know.

Not surprised there.

I did however get some pictures sent to me.  *and I ended up getting a disc and just putting all of her pictures on that – thanks for the help and ideas.

So now I had no ideas for her birthday and was justo cming up with ideas was just too much.  I couldn’t think of anything, I just knew that I was not going to get her a giftcard.

So a few weeks go by……. go and open my email and there is an email from Amom.  I almost fell out of my chair, I mean I am going through my email and find that she sent an email on April Fools Day.  So I open it and it appears that my beautiful, smart and sassy Supergirl wants to see me ❤  So Amom suggested that it happen during Spring Break.  So while I supposed to go to Charlotte for the BMB retreat weekend I was unable to get a decent price on airline tickets.  So now the plan is the Thursday I was to go to Charlotte to meet my beautiful sisters again I will be having lunch with my girl….

 

There you go.

General and Family Relations

Yeah, I haven’t been around.

Things have been…… there.  Really hard to explain.

 

I had a visit in October.  Another visit that was requested by Little MIss herself!! 🙂  It was wonderful to see her.  To have her come up to me and give me a hug when I walked in.  To climb all over me while we were playing.  To give me a hug when I left.

I get my photos by email now.  Not really liking it.  I liked it when I got the photos in the mail.  There was more.  I could hold them in my hand and look at them over and over and over.  Now not so much.

 

A friend of mine brought up a good point the other week.  We are related, if only through Biker Boy.  See Biker Boy has a 1/2 brother, my friend K’s son.  So he and Super Girl are related.  I thing that makes them cousins.  Which is fine by me.  She is an awesome person and is raising an awesome boy with out help from Biker Boy’s dad.

Then — I am getting rid of my old car.  Right now it is sitting hte parking lot waiting to go to it’s next home.

The thing — this is the car that when Biker and I met BF and B for the 1st time, I was with Grams signing the paperwork on the blue car.

Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Supergirl

My girl is now 6!!!

I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe that I continue to be on the sidelines and wonder just where I place in her life.

I know I went overboard with her birthday presents.  I think I spent the same amount on her birthday as I do for Christmas.  I usually don’t do that.  I still have to mail everything so we will see if anything gets returned but I need to get everything spread out and look at it all and maybe some of it will go into the Christmas pile and I will have started her Christmas presents.

Here is the thing:

I am all ready working on her Christmas present.

I need to get started on her kindergarten graduation present.

I found a project for her next birthday.

All 3 of the above are things that involve, knitting, counted cross stitch and another no sew blanket (probably with a pillow or two)

❤ you my beautiful, sassy, intelligent girl.  You are so loved and missed and remembered.

Open Adoption Interview Part 2

Okay, so here it is.  A day late  (I’m sorry)

E’s wonderful answers!!!

http://seekinggodknowswhat.com/

1)How has your relationship with L changed in the years since Widget’s adoption?

There hasn’t been a lot of change in our relationship with L. When we were first placed with Widget, I had high hopes of developing a close relationship since we were living in the same town. However, no matter my attempts, L has never really reached out and responded. I think there are a couple reasons for this. One is possibly just her personality. She is relatively quiet person and isn’t prone to sharing too much detail about what is happening in her life. The other is that, other than Widget, we don’t have much in common, partially because we are at different stages in life due to age and partially because our backgrounds/lifestyles are very different. It doesn’t meant that I don’t think these things can’t be overcome but, for our relationship, they seem to have been stumbling blocks.

2)Have you met any other bloggers in real life? and if not are there any that you would like to meet?

I have met Nicole, who used to blog at paragraphein.wordpress.com but I think she has made her blog private for now. We only met once for a short period of time when she was in my area but it was really great to talk to her in person. I have also met a couple other people from adoption forums but neither blogs. I have a whole list of people I would love to meet: Dawn from This Woman’s Work; Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland & Stop, Drop and Blog ; thanksgivingmom from I Should Really Be Working; Heather from Production, not Reproduction; Heather from Nobody But Yourself; Jenni from In His Easy Yoke; Coco from Mommyhood and Life according to Coco. Plus numerous others from forums who don’t actively blog!

*Have to tell you — have met TGM(thanksgivingmom) she is a beautiful and smart person

3)From blogging and forums has your opinion of adoption changed? Definitely. A lot of my feelings about the changes that need to happen, particularly with domestic adoption, have come from my participation in blogs and forums. I never realized the subtle intricacies that agencies/attorneys/facilitators use to make adoption seem like the better option for moms considering it for placement of their children and, at times, I am saddened that the initial agency we chose for adoption turned out to be one that does much more of this in the name of Christianity than anything. I am also more respectful of the impact of loss on adoptees and on their first families. My interactions have made me feel much more strongly about the benefits of openness in adoption and needing to be willing as adoptive parents to respect how adoption may (or may not) affect Widget’s life (and our future children’s).

4)Why do you blog?

Initially, I blogged as a way for me to lay out some of my feelings about things that have happened in my life (infertility, depression, childhood cancer). Then I began to feel that if I am going through these things, someone else might be too and, especially in the midst of depression, I felt very lonely and felt like I had no one in my day-to-day life who connected with those feelings, so I began to blog with the idea in mind that I might be able to connect with others who would have a greater understanding of those feelings.

5)How would you deal with the situation if the birthfather showed up in Widget’s life when she is older?

If Widget’s birthfather ever showed up in her life, how we would deal with the situation would depend on how old she is at the time. If she is still a teenager, we would probably take a more active role in her introduction to and meetings with him. I have no qualms about meeting him and as long as we feel he would be a “safe” person for her to have a relationship with, we would allow it, provided it is something she wants. If she is an adult, we would certainly support her decisions and give her advice on how to handle meeting him. I never want to deny her the opportunity to learn about her birthfather and history from him because of my feelings regarding him. I am looking forward to reading your answers!

Thank you E for you answers!!!

Open Adoption Interview Part 1

I stepped outside of my box recently.

I signed up for the Open Adoption Interview.  I was afraid of what questions would be asked of me.

Luckily the person that I was matched with was/is easy going.  I read her blog to think of some questions and have to admit I was stumped!!!  Then mother nature stepped in and while I was dealing with the rain and wind and the possibility of having a phone call this week I thought of some questions.

I opened my email and there were her questions.  I sent my questions.  I waited for her answers and hoped that my answers  were clear enough.

More later…….

Birthmom’s Day

I know a lot of people don’t like this term, this day.

The thing is.  I do kinda like this day.  I really, truly dislike Mother’s Day.  Why??  It is a day where I have to put on the smile and pretend that I am happy.  That I don’t mind seeing all these women out there with their children and knowing that I will go home and cry myself to sleep for another night.  The mask is wavering and really cannot wait for it to crash.

There will be more.

Just have a cold and the coughing, sneezing, achy  head feeling is really just too much to put up with.

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.