Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

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The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

Overwhelmed

I feel like hiding out.

I feel like I am falling.

It has been a wild week.  Biker boys’ (new name for ex B) sister had a baby.  I know of 2 people in real life who are pregnant.  They are due 1 week apart in January.

I cannot deal with all of the support they have around them.

I hate the support that they have around them.

I cannot stand the support that they have around them.

I hate looking down the road and seeing Supergirl as the only child that I will ever have and I didn’t raise her.

I hate it.

I really, really hate it.

The smile is off.

The smile is gone.

It doesn’t need to come back.

3 weeks

It is now 3 weeks and counting.

NOTHING

I am about to just wrap and send her presents out.

Why keep them around?

Why keep them in a box taking up space on my floor?

This is really starting to bite it big time.

Started to take the antidepressants again.

Really, really bad month coming up.  Everything dealing with adoption happens next month.

Supergirls birth.

Leaving the hospital.

Signing the TPR.

Meeting L&B.

Grandfather passing away.

First visit right before her 1st birthday.

B’s birthday (there is a headache I don’t want)

I am pissed

There are no other words for it.

I am trying to understand.

I am really.

In the mean time I sit with tears in my eyes trying not to cry while I am at work.

I was hoping for a visit this month or next month.  I need a visit.  I need it like oxygen at the moment.  It has been 14 months since I have since the smile in person.  It now looks to be 2 more months.

I am so beyond pissed, upset, done, depressed it isn’t funny anymore. 

How much more am I expected to take?

How much more do I have to take?

How much do I wish I could get in touch with B right now?