Things

I have thought about shutting this down.

I don’t write much of anything anymore.  I try to keep up with crafts and crochet to keep myself sane.

I take my ques from Supergirl.  She wanted a visit in August, which worked out well since I was heading out of town the next day to visit an old friend.  Well, my ex fiancee.  It was wild.

He found me on facebook a few years ago and we have talked by text and phone.  We caught up and he invited me down to visit him.  He doesn’t know about Supergirl.  It was not a great thing to come off the visit high while with him but it was  a laid back weekend.  He had his daughter visiting so we hung out during the day and watched movies at night.

It continues

I just seem to go on and some days it appears to be harder and harder to write.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I continue to hope that things will change with BF and it doesn’t.  I have tried to get things to change and it doesn’t.

I just continue to be a thorn in their side and continue to send her things and keep myself in her life.  I will be able to say to her that I tried.  I continued to try and was blocked in every way possible.

 

I can only continue and be myself.

Busy, busy

I had a busy holiday season.  I spent a lot of time working on scarves.  Beats sitting in front of a tv and not doing anything.  Which is fine with me, cannot stand to just sit there and do nothing.

Now I am working on different scarves, cowls and a baby blanket for a coworker.  I am always looking for new yarns and colors and designs.

 

Silence

I cannot believe it has been this long since I have written anything!!! It is just life moves. I am taking my cues from Supergirl. I get a visit when she wishes it. Do I wish she would like a visit more often ~~ of course. I can only be here for her when she asks.
I wish that I still got pictures more often. I am almost tempted to go back to snail mail. I got more pictures more often. I wish that amom wasn’t so —- I just wish she wasn’t. I really don’t know how to put it into words. I love my daughter and I will love her and be there for her no matter what aparents wish. I continue to ask questions in the hopes that 1 day she will answer.
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My little side business is going well. I signed up to do a Holiday bazaar the first Saturday in December and so my days are spent making ruffle scarves. I have to about 1 a day now in the hopes I can make enough for this event. Luckily I don’t have to have a table all to myself, there will be 2 other people at the same table. I will be selling scarves, 1 will be selling hats and the 3rd lady will be selling children hair accessories. (and yes I will be scooping them out to see what I can buy for Supergirl)
So maybe this blog is morphing into something else? who knows. I keep seeing all these yarns that I would love to work with and all these patterns that my fingers are just itching to try.
For now ~~ it all waits until 5pm December 3rd. The bazaar will be over and the table cleaned up 🙂

I confess

I confess that:

I have been thinking a lot about Supergirl lately.

I wish I was getting pictures sooner rather then later.

I am trying to get my side business up and running.

While I am happy to have the overtime, I am sooo tired.

I am so angry about some comments I have read/heard about  firstmoms that I wish I could just scream.

I cried while sitting watching the musical Tarzan.

Some days that I hate that I know what I know  about adoption.

A day in the sun

I have thought about writing.  I have thought of  closing the blog.  why?  I don’t seem to say anything.  I tend to observe and take everything in.  I dislike confrontation and will run and hide from it.  My nature, my upbringing and something E has worked on with me for a while.

 

I miss E.  I haven’t been in to a session with her in ……… I cannot remember when.  We have touched base by phone and she has suggested that I find a new therapist.  Really?!?!  She doesn’t have weekend hours anymore and trying to make it into Boston from the North Shore by train (got to park the car, well, first you have to find a lot that has a parking spot).  She has suggested Thursdays but with my work schedule (work nights) that makes for a very long and draining day to begin with that trying to go into work is another issue all together. 

I have been dragging my feet on that.  I like E, I am comfortable with her.  She knows when I am talking bullshit and when I just need to vent and get everything off of my chest.  I took grief from people because 1)she is an adoptive parent and 2)she worked for the agency.  But I was comfortable.

Anyway ~~~~

The visit with Supergirl was AWESOME 🙂  It was short but you know what — I didn’t care.  I was with my girl.  She was with me.  The only down spot.  She asked about Biker Boy.  She wants a picture, a recent one.  So I asked him for one.  He has ignored me.  The kicker: I came across some photos of his son, probably when he was about 3 years old.  I sent him a message asking him what he wanted me to do with them  He has ignored me.  I will tell Jessica this when she is older.  I did tell Amom that I requested a photo from Biker and that he ignored me.

Oh well his loss.

 

Now time to enjoy this little shiny thing in the sky 🙂

Same oh, same oh

There hasn’t been much activity going on so there hasn’t been anything to write about.  Sorry.

 

I sent an email asking for sizes and ideas for the soon to come Supergirl’s birthday.  The response: send a giftcard she doesn’t know what she wants.  Somehow I don’t think so.  Somehow I have a feeling that she knows what she wants — I just don’t get to know.

Not surprised there.

I did however get some pictures sent to me.  *and I ended up getting a disc and just putting all of her pictures on that – thanks for the help and ideas.

So now I had no ideas for her birthday and was justo cming up with ideas was just too much.  I couldn’t think of anything, I just knew that I was not going to get her a giftcard.

So a few weeks go by……. go and open my email and there is an email from Amom.  I almost fell out of my chair, I mean I am going through my email and find that she sent an email on April Fools Day.  So I open it and it appears that my beautiful, smart and sassy Supergirl wants to see me ❤  So Amom suggested that it happen during Spring Break.  So while I supposed to go to Charlotte for the BMB retreat weekend I was unable to get a decent price on airline tickets.  So now the plan is the Thursday I was to go to Charlotte to meet my beautiful sisters again I will be having lunch with my girl….

 

There you go.

Again

I logged onto Facebook the other night.  There were 2 surprised there for me.

I looked and my niece and nephews had a new friend.  I looked at the name and I freaked out.  I appears J, my so called, father now has a face book page.  He is on block.  Then I looked because I am taking a vacation this year and wanted to tell my Mother when we would be down.  Her page is now gone.

 

Then I have been playing phone tag with E.  It appears she is no longer working at the agency.  So she has been setting up a new email and hours all set and we just have been playing tag and leaving messages with each other.

and no word from AP  (not surprising there)

General and Family Relations

Yeah, I haven’t been around.

Things have been…… there.  Really hard to explain.

 

I had a visit in October.  Another visit that was requested by Little MIss herself!! 🙂  It was wonderful to see her.  To have her come up to me and give me a hug when I walked in.  To climb all over me while we were playing.  To give me a hug when I left.

I get my photos by email now.  Not really liking it.  I liked it when I got the photos in the mail.  There was more.  I could hold them in my hand and look at them over and over and over.  Now not so much.

 

A friend of mine brought up a good point the other week.  We are related, if only through Biker Boy.  See Biker Boy has a 1/2 brother, my friend K’s son.  So he and Super Girl are related.  I thing that makes them cousins.  Which is fine by me.  She is an awesome person and is raising an awesome boy with out help from Biker Boy’s dad.

Then — I am getting rid of my old car.  Right now it is sitting hte parking lot waiting to go to it’s next home.

The thing — this is the car that when Biker and I met BF and B for the 1st time, I was with Grams signing the paperwork on the blue car.

Things I see

I have been doing alot of reading lately. Which is what I do. I love to read, I love the curling up on the couch, have a drink next to me and just open a book.
My only problem?? for some reason EVERY book that I have pulled out has had a mention of adoption in it. One way or another. Some days it doesn’t bother me and some days it takes all of my nerves not to throw the book across the room.

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Then there is the Supergirl front.
I sent an email to BF and got no response. I sent a second email and got a response with PHOTOS!!!
Do I wish there were more? Hell yeah but it is a step and I will take what I can get.
I am quickly approaching 1 year since the last visit. As a person who avoids confrontation I don’t know how to ask for another. Supergirl asked for the last one.
Do I wait for her to ask?
Do I just open up and ask?
Am I making her life harder because I am fighting to stay in her life?
Plus, I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety…

Just what I don’t need.