Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

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10 Things

I really need to get a bunch of stuff of my chest and so I changed a saved post and I am going with this.  I got this from a dear friend and she said she felt better.  Let’s see if it works.

 

basically you get to get 10 things off your chest without naming people.

 

1) Grow up you loser.  Your son wants to follow in your footsteps and you said that won’t happen??  How in the hell do you think that it won’t.  All he has known is his father with no job, no money, going from one relationship to another with no stability in his life.  You have how many kids?  Yes I am counting the ones that you don’t see.  What I think it really funny  not funny since my daughter is this, is that you see NONE of your daughters!!!  How many are those.  There is Supergirl, there is D and there is the one who may not be yours but you don’t know and she is going to let another man think that she may be his.  Grow up, get a job.  Right now I am really, really glad that Supergirl doesn’t know you.  That she will not know you.  She doesn’t need that shit in her life.

2) T I wish, wish that there was something that I can do to help you.  I am here.  Call me at anytime of the day or night.  I don’t care.  I worry about you.  I worry about mom and I worry about dad.  I don’t want him to give up.  He has a wonderful life and family.  I want him home to enjoy them for many years to come.  I want him to walk into your new house and say how happy he is for you.  I want to go to your old house for a party or just to relax and listen to them talk with his great Irish accent.

3) L I wish you would come to realize that I am not a threat.  I love Supergirl just as much as you do.  Is that really such a bad thing?  Is it a bad thing when Supergirl can have a conversation with me?  Is it a bad thing that I get 10 seconds to Supergirl to myself?  Is it really such a bad thing to keep me in her life when I haven’t done a damn thing otherwise except to walk on egg shells and pussyfoot around issues because I want to stay in her life?

4) L (I know too many of you)  I am glad that we have other things to talk about besides B.  I don’t want to talk  about him, especially to you.  I am tied to him whether I like it or not for years because of Supergirl.  I cannot break my promises like other people.  Don’t bad mouth him to me.  I know.  I don’t need it brought up everytime I see you.  There is much more that we can talk about.

5) L (another L name, going to have to start nicknames for them)  don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother.  G has thrived since his diag.   He has grown and he is healthy and happy and he loves you.  You are a beautiful person and friend and mother.

6) J I may talk to you but that doesn’t mean that I forgive you.  I don’t have the anger anymore that I had but I just don’t trust you.  You tell me things and I know that it isn’t the truth.  So go on and keep telling yourself that M calmed you and it is a good thing that he is younger then you.  Because many of us know that you are lieing and that you are full of it.

7) Adoption.  I hate that I know this word.  I hate that I know the feelings that it brings.  I hate seeing how “bad” I am or that many of my friends are “bad” because we placed a child for adoption, whether with or without coersion.  I hate that I know the terminology.  I hate to know what the words mean.

8. to Aparents who just don’t get it.  Your child may or may not have issues.  Open your eyes and realize that just because I placed my child and my friends placed theirs that there is not sorrow and hurt there.  Don’t stick your head in the ground and hum to yourself that since the child was placed there are no issues because there is.  Life isn’t all roses and butterflies.  There are thunderstorms, hail and hurricanes.  Realize this now.

9) Lies.  I mean really.  Don’t lie to get what you want and then turnaround and say that you don’t want it.  You want to know who you are hurting?  Look into that child eyes and tell yourself that you know best until the day those eyes turn towards you in hate because you lied to them.  Then what are you going to say.

10) J, I don’t know how much I can give you.  I don’t know how much I have left.  I would like to try.  I just want you to know J, that it won’t be easy.  I am fragile.  I am hurt.  I have been lied to and just don’t know who or what I can trust anymore.  but I want to try.

2 weeks to go

There is now less than 2 weeks to go until Supergirl is 4.

 

I cannot wait to get out of town.  I am planning it now.  I am going to be going up the coast of Maine and stay in different parts of the state.  I plan on going to a favorite candle store.  They are along the lines of Yankee Candle but I like them just alittle bit more: www.villagecandle.com

I have all of her presents.  I have the box to mail them in.  I have started to wrap them up.  They will be mailed this week.  Why keep them in the apartment? Why keep them around?

 

Am I such a threat that they don’t want me in her life?

Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?

New Song

I listen to alot of music.

I was very angry awhile ago and then I heard this song

SIXX:A.M. LYRICS

“Life Is Beautiful”

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive…
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Why this song?

Why now?

I don’t know but the song is just: beautiful

I am pissed

There are no other words for it.

I am trying to understand.

I am really.

In the mean time I sit with tears in my eyes trying not to cry while I am at work.

I was hoping for a visit this month or next month.  I need a visit.  I need it like oxygen at the moment.  It has been 14 months since I have since the smile in person.  It now looks to be 2 more months.

I am so beyond pissed, upset, done, depressed it isn’t funny anymore. 

How much more am I expected to take?

How much more do I have to take?

How much do I wish I could get in touch with B right now?

Anger

I am angry.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know how to stop it.

It has been going on for a week and not even a great shopping experience last weekend helped.  I mean almost everything I bought was on sale.

This weekend:

I tried to scrapbook.  I don’t like the way the layouts came out.

I tried to read.  Couldn’t concentrate.

I tried to watch movies and just kept breaking down.

So I ended up having a few drinks and fell asleep listening to Evanescence and Finger 11.

Did it help?

not really

This weekend

I was away this weekend.  I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it.  I just needed to get away from everyone and everything.  Away from my phone so that noone could find me.

I was having a week and then B called.  He called me on Monday night.  I called him back on Tuesday.  He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar.  Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him.  Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day?  Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?

He asked me how I was doing.  I just kept it simple – sick.  He asked how work was — busy.  He asked if I wanted to talk to him.  I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk.  He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him.  Please………………  I have to do as you say now?  since when you fucking idiot.

I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him.  I now cannot find them.  I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.”  I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there.  It will not be a recent photo.

Maybe one from this summer.

I really don’t know.

Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town.  I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month.  I will see her smile in person.

I will hear her laugh.

I will see her smile.

She will see me.

She will see her in me.

I have started my new antidepressant.  So far so good.  I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away.  Let’s see if that stays that way.